If you haven’t already, make sure you go and read Part 1: The Hang-Ups.
After learning my lesson the hard way (not one, but TWO times), I decided that I would, for one, never date someone who does not share my love for Christ EVER again. That’s right, men. I have standards. I GOT THE POWAH. Yeah.
But secondly, I decided to finally take the time to fall in love with my Savior.
I knew it was possible. I remember reading through a Biblezine (yes…it’s a Bible in magazine format. Basically like a Study Bible for teen girls–AWESOME ministry) in 8th grade or so and seeing my Savior for the Bridegroom He truly is, for the very first time.
I was reading the passage in Luke 9:37-42 where Jesus casts a demon out of a boy. I don’t know what it was about those particular verses…but when I read that the boy started convulsing, but Jesus cast the demon out of him and healed him…I was in awe. It was like having lived inside for my entire life, but then the roof was blown off and I could see all of the sky above me for the very first time. And I was so, so in love with the only One who can offer such a profound security and promise for his people…His Bride. What a man! Strong, protecting, caring, loving–He had everything I needed right there, in those verses.
When I wonder why He used those verses, I could say that I have always been a rather fearful person (I’m still terrified of the dark sometimes) and so it was appropriate that God would choose that exact passage, at that exact moment, to speak to me. If He has the ultimate power even over the evil things in this world, what do I have to fear? But…that seems too simple. I don’t think I really want to know the reason behind His choice there. I just want to enjoy it and feel special and loved and treasured. Sometimes, the purpose is not to “figure out”, but to enjoy.
And so, at that point in my life when I was totally at rock bottom–rejected, unwanted, and unloved–I longed for that once more. To be romanced. Treasured. Known. Understood. Loved. And so I searched for Him with everything I had. I looked for the Godly counsel of my mom, and our relationship healed because of it. I read the Scriptures daily and started talking to people about my heart once again. And I prayed and paid attention to my Savior as if I’d never hear from Him again.
Never before had I truly known the truth in Jeremiah 29:13:
“And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for me with all your heart.”
I found healing. Truth that I had value. So much joy that I didn’t really care about “fitting in” anymore. And so much love that I just wanted to pour it out on other people and show them the amazing life He gave me. I wanted to show them the new color in the trees and the flowers and the grass. I wanted to show them the beautiful little things that God put in relationships to remind us of Him, our forever Lover. I wanted to show them just what it’s like to be loved by the only Person who could ever, ever fulfill all of the deepest desires of my heart.
There is romance in our Savior. It is beautiful and true. I mean, He IS love. All kinds of love. Perhaps the most beautiful role which Christ fulfills is the Church’s Bridegroom (Also here). At first, it’s kinda weird to think of it like that…but it’s really just a metaphor at best. Nothing can truly capture the bounds of His love for us. None of the words I’ve used really even come close…libraries could be written on His love, and words still wouldn’t get it quite right. That’s just one of the closest things to describe the intimacy and gigantic, enormous love He has for us. For me!
And I now realize that I had to let myself be romanced by Him before I could ever even begin to be romanced by another man. Because even now, my most perfect Mr. Right still can’t be Jesus for me. Only Jesus can show me my true value and worth, and define my identity. Only He can fill me up and set me loose to pour all of that love out on other people–only to come right back to Him for more. He doesn’t rest or get tired of me. I’m enough for Him, and I am never, ever too much–because He created me to be exactly who I am.
And then, when I was secure in the fact that I was loved completely by a glorious Savior, I started playing in a jazz combo that would change a lot more in my life than I expected it to.
And that is Part 2 of the love story I have lived and God has worked through.
Well, this wasn’t quite what you expected, was it? 😉 I promise, the suspense won’t last much longer–I’m already mostly done with Part 3!
I love getting comments from you all. Leave a little something for me. (I KNOW you’re there. I got 119 views on the day I posted Part 1!)